The dream in pink

One time I dreamt I had hot pink shorts on, along with a plain white crewneck T-shirt. For some reason I didn’t like the outfit. Which is weird because it was my dream, so I must’ve chosen the outfit in the first place. But I felt self-conscious in it. Luckily, I happened to come by a secondhand store that looked really good. 

There’s always an immediate solution in dreams, isn’t there? 

I was the only one in this little store and the woman behind the counter wanted to help. I was looking for a white top. Which, now that I write it down, seems odd because I had a white top on. But it seemed very logical in the dream. 

She said she had something in the back that would go nice with the shorts. I hoped she was right, but I started looking around myself nonetheless. The thing with crew neck T-shirts is that they don’t fit that well on my body type. I have broad shoulders and wide hips, so a normal T-shirt just looks messy on me, in my opinion. 

I tried everything on, but hadn’t found anything I liked. The lady from the store however, came through. She had found a very special piece in the back. At least, I remember thinking that while dreaming. It was a hot pink cropped bejeweld jacket. It was.. intense. 

I think it’s almost weird that my dream self would feel confident in an outfit like that. It highlights exactly the parts that I’m most insecure about. My whole stomach was out.

I gained some weight recently and I’ve been insecure about that for almost a year now. I try to accept my bodily changes, but those insecurities seem to just just creep back in. 

When I was younger I would fight with these feelings everyday, but a couple years ago I started working out and eating well. I lost some weight and gained some muscle. All my insecurities were gone. And I mean, really gone. I was comfortable wearing anything that fit. And if I tried clothes on that didn’t, well too bad. I didn’t feel any different about it. I would just go about my day, happy as ever. 

Then I got into a very good relationship, got off birth control and started a full-time job. My routine changed. All of a sudden I was eating differently and I didn’t have as much time or energy to workout the way I used to. Now, that was fine with me too. Routines change. Bodies change too. I was becoming a woman and my body looked like one. 

But then all of a sudden, between March and April 2023, something changed. I couldn’t fit in any of my jeans anymore. Tops were tight and curling up. Then I saw a photo of my side profile and my whole perception of how I looked changed. I didn’t recognize my own body. All of a sudden, all my insecurities of 5 years ago were back and thriving. I honestly couldn’t understand it. I mean, sure things were supposed to change, but within a month? I couldn’t understand it, and therefore had a hard time accepting it too. 

It’s been a while now since I started feeling like this, and I’ve slowly come to terms with it. I’ve moved my body in ways that feel good to me and ate nutritious foods, without any form of dieting. I don’t like a food routine or meal planning. It doesn’t make me happy. 

The hardest thing for me is accepting my body as it is now, even if I want to look more athletic and feel fitter. I don’t want to lose weight because I hate my body now, but there are a lot of clothing styles that I don’t like on me now. And I’m not sure if that’s because I am just hardwired to hate a belly that’s not flat or if it’s because I genuinely think my shape is just a little off. 

I think it’s probably a little bit of both. Because when I see other women with bigger bodies and/or bellies, I don’t necessarily think they look bad. But when I see women with bellies that stick out, like mine, and they wear a certain silhouet with a tight top, I also don’t particularly like their shape in it. 

The same goes for really skinny women though. Sometimes I see people with flat stomachs walking around in low rise pants with a crop top and my first thought is one of jealousy. My second thought is that I really love my wide hips and little belly pooch. I’ve always had them and over the years I’ve grown to cherish the way it looks in clothing immensely. I also love my broad shoulders and chest. I really like the shape of my body. I’m trying to rewire my brain so that it doesn’t judge other women’s bodies or my own for how they look. It’s pretty hard. 

I’ve started to accept my body more and more these past couple months. I still have bad body days, but who doesn’t? And my clothing style has changed, but isn’t that also a side effect of growing up? When I think back to the ‘outfits’ I would wear a year ago, the one driving factor was that I finally wasn’t insecure about my body anymore. For the first time I felt comfortable wearing crop tops, and I let the world know it. Even stomach rolls weren’t a source of insecurity anymore. 

My clothing now is much more about feeling comfortable with my stomach sticking out, while also serving a very unique look. Honestly, I don’t think my style is going to change that much, even if I would get my body back from two years ago.

I know the story about the dream is a little bit dull. But when I woke up that morning it seemed so significant, so important, that I just had to write about it. Pink isn’t even a signature color of mine, but it seems like I do crave it in my dreams.