The perfect break-up

It has been a month or so, but it feels like only a minute ago. The over-the-shoulder look you gave me could've gone on the cover of a magazine. It was the picture perfect moment that should’ve been put up on your instagram. I would've taken the photo for you, only I was too busy wiping away my tears. God, it was hard to let you go. Not that I could do anything about it. It was completely out of my control.

Maybe I would’ve tried, if I thought I had a chance. Now all I’m left with is that last glance that you gave me. Just the one. All the other memories of us have faded away, just like you. Out of my life and into the deepest caves of my brain. There I can keep my last memory of you safe. 

I went on with work as I normally do. I set my alarm to 8 a.m. and went into the shower. I made breakfast and took my prepared lunch for that day out of the fridge. I just assumed that with a little bit of time I would slowly forget you. That your memory would fade into something I could barely remember. That you would become nothing but a shadow to me. Something I used to know. But I didn’t. Part of me was glad I didn’t, because I had no idea how to survive without you.

I just took a break from writing and I just now came back with my tea and read this last part. My god, it’s so depressing I just want to rip it up into pieces. But like a true millennial, I’ve written it on a computer so the best I can do is erase it. And that doesn’t have nearly the same effect, so I’ll just humiliate my past writings by making fun of it.

See? It works. I’ve broken the fourth wall and now the real stuff can begin. Yes, I still feel very sad about you and most days I don’t really want to get out of bed. You are the one I go to sleep with and the one I wake up with, only you’re not next to me. How sad is that. I bet it’s the reality of a lot more people than just me, which brings me a sordid kind of peace.

But the truth is that my life doesn’t revolve around her. Sure, she has been a big part of my life and I wasn’t ready to lose her, but I will get over her in time. My brain just has a lot of connections to her and it will take awhile for me to lose those. But slowly, I will form new connections. With new friends, strangers and maybe even lovers. And they will override hers. I may not like it at first, but it will feel better when some time has passed. And everytime that I think of her, it will hurt less and less. Until the day that I will pass her in the street, completely random. And my first instinct will be to smile, walk up to her and ask her how she’s been. And I will actually want to hear that she’s doing good. Because I want her to be happy. But I’m not there yet. And that’s okay.