Blue Fridays
Sometimes it feels like I’m living two lives. One during the week, Monday through Thursday. I go to work, do all kinds of organising and planning to live as productively as possible. Every hour is accounted for.
An entirely different life starts on Fridays. One where my mind suddenly comes alive. My creative energy awakens and I remember that I have desires and aspirations outside of being ‘successful’. Not to hustle or get ahead, but to enjoy the time and be present.
Since acquiring a respectable, ‘very serious’ 9-5 office job and adjusting to that routine, I’ve noticed some melancholy moments at the start of my weekends. I have the luxury to work 32 hours and Fridays are my days off. Initially I wanted to take those days off so I’d be able to go away for the weekend. But in reality they are usually filled with a whole lot of chores.
Before I get the chance to do anything with my free time though, I’ve found that a sort of introspection comes up. The need to feel, deeply. Where I’m at in life and with my values. During that time, when I sit with it and let it in, all kinds of desires bubble up to the surface. Like I forgot I had those in me.
As soon as I really switch off from work, an entire universe living inside me comes alive. It overwhelms me at first. It’s not like I actively repress them during the week, but my job demands so much energy and attention that I seem to forget there’s another side to me that wants attention. That demands it even. Suddenly I can sit in silence and appreciate things around me again. People walking by, birds chirping in the trees, and all the other clichés you can think of.. I start to notice them again.
Only when my laptop is closed for the weekend and the house is somewhat organised do these desires return. It’s a very complicated little game. Because I really like my job, but apparently I forget all other aspects of myself when I’m working.
This has been happening the past couple months. I should expect it by now, but it takes me by surprise every time.
It might seem like I don’t like my job or that I’m too stressed by it. But it isn’t a facade, I love working and going to the office. I feel very at home in the corporate world. And also positively challenged. It’s a very authentic part of myself.
But it is just one part of me. There are many more.
It looks like I lose those other parts during the week. I only find them again when the world around me is quiet. When there are no expectations, no deadlines, no emails. Nowhere I have to be and nothing I have to do.
Like a kid smelling a scent that takes them back to their grandma’s cooking, I remember all my other desires. I go from this smart, professional businesswoman to a funny little soul that craves creation.
Whenever I take the time to really sit in the melancholy feelings on Fridays I realize that these three days during the weekend are the way I think life should be. My time is my own. I decide whether to fill it with work, friends, playfulness or creation. Even though I enjoy it, my work takes up a disproportionate amount of my time. There should always be responsibilities and work, but it shouldn’t take over as much as it does now.
The curious thing however, is that every weekend, I find myself looking forward to Monday again. Wouldn't I want to live in the weekend forever? But working gives me structure and a sense of accomplishment. There are deadlines and a very clear set of actions to accomplish. With creating there are always more ideas, more things to make. The possibilities seem endless. The joy of creating often turns into pressure to perform. There is so much to create. And so it feels safer to just do my job.
But of course, my body is much smarter than that. And it won’t let me choose the safe option. It demands these feelings to be felt. And so I feel them. Deeply. And then I pick up the proverbial pen and start to write until Monday rolls around again.
