I wonder how to be a woman

A couple months ago, I started an Instagram account with the name: “How to be a woman”. Apparently it’s true what they say; as soon as your frontal lobe develops, you see the world in an entirely different light.

All of a sudden I was struggling just existing in this world. I felt so sad, so anxious, so angry. I hated men and distrusted everything they said or did. I didn’t want to go outside and be perceived by them at all. I was frozen, incapacitated by everything I suddenly understood. 

How does any woman get anything done while being aware of the systemic injustice and inequality?

There are people in my circle I can talk to, but I keep feeling like a burden. Just because I suddenly have a hard time existing peacefully in this world means I have to constantly put it on them. It’s not that they aren’t supportive, but it always feels like a fight to me. Like I have to defend or explain myself to others. 

It was all too much. The only way forward that I could think of was to create an account where I could build a community talking about my experience. To find women who were experiencing the same as I was. But it never came to be. 

The fast-paced demand of relevant, aesthetic videos isn't really for me. And I had to overcome great internal difficulties to record or think of content. And more often than not I didn’t publish it. Nothing I filmed felt good enough. Everything I saw online was funnier, better quality, nicer backgrounds or more relevant lines.

After some months of struggling, trying to make it work I realized making short form videos didn’t feel like the right path for me. I also never felt creatively inspired when spending time on any of the platforms. And so it never really took off. 

I wanted to start with publishing things on a private account. Where no one I knew could find me. To make it a little easier on myself. I would publish things just for me and if I felt confident enough I’d make it public. But even for something as low-pressure as that my inspiration didn’t show up. I still feel cringe when I look at it. 

So instead of forcing myself to make creations that take more energy than it gives, I’m finding another creative outlet. Making aspirations easy to accomplish is way better than having to force discipline on yourself the whole time. 

And while I do love to make videos every now and then, I think I’ll have to accept that the Instagram and Tiktok apps aren’t for me. The content form doesn’t excite me. And I even doubt if the community I would build up there is something that would bring me joy. I think Substack fits me way better. Writing is my primary art form anyway. I love to be able to give it more freedom here without having to restrain it into one or two good lines.