This scares the shit out of me

Like most people I have a lot of desires and ambitions. I want to be and do things. All kinds of things. It used to surprise me to see how many things I wanted to be in this life. It seemed like too much for 80-some odd years.

I’m 25 now and I’ve done some things that I really wanted to do. None of them consistently, most of them not at all. 

To be anything all the time scares the shit out of me.

I used to say it was because I hated routine. Anything that required routine was just a no-go for me. I was convinced it was because I was too much of a flexible, spontaneous person for that kind of life. That it just wasn’t for me. 

But having lived my life like that for a couple years, I realised that I haven’t spent much time doing the creative things I really want to do. Ever since I’ve condemned routines, it’s been much easier to hide behind responsibilities to avoid being creative. To avoid failing. 

I’m afraid I have to come clean to myself. It’s never really about routine. I’m scared to start becoming what I so desperately aspire to be, only to find out I don’t have what it takes to see it through. 

‘See it through’.. What is that? Does that mean I have to commit to it for the rest of my life? Isn’t anything I aspire to be a phase? A momentary desire that might be just as fleeting as life itself? Not of any less importance, but never permanent. 

Yes, yes of course it is. Any and everything in life is a phase. A passage of time and emotions. I thought I knew that. I’ve read and written it a thousand times. But somehow I keep forgetting that nothing in life has to be permanent if I don’t want it to be. As long as I keep doing everything with joy and love, I’ll find the things that give me exactly that. Sadly, doubt is a powerful thing. It creeps back in somehow. 

Even writing this, something that no one will read, makes me doubt it. It’s too close to my heart, too personal. And the worst thing is, I will forget this principle during my life almost as much as I will remember it. 

But maybe if I put it out there I’ll be reminded of it every now and then.