I don’t feel my age

I always felt like my age fit me. I didn’t mind getting older, because I grew alongside the passing years. When I was 18, I really felt 18. When I turned 22, mentally I was right there. But now I’m 26 and I don’t feel like my age anymore. Like I’m stuck in a younger version of myself. 

When people ask me how old I am, my first instinct is to say 24. I realized this a couple months ago, on my birthday. I usually take some time to reflect on the past year. Turns out, I don’t feel like I’ve personally really grown for about a year or so. I’ve been trying to mentally catch up to my age ever since. Trying to figure out why I feel so behind. 

This may not seem like such a big deal, but it feels so foreign to me. Like I’m living someone else’s life. It’s not like I haven’t developed anything in the last year and a half to explain this feeling. I’ve made a home, a healthy relationship, gotten a lovely responsible big-girl job and I even semi-successfully navigate having my boyfriend's daughter in our life. 

Somehow those achievements don’t equate to an age-appropriete state of mind.

I feel both pressure and uncertainty all the time. Pressure to fit in, to be my best self, to live my 20s to the fullest. Uncertainty in finances, in my future, in the political climate, in having no safety net. 

And, of course, I feel the insecurity that inevitably comes with being in your 20s. To thrive like my peers seemingly do. To perform to societal norms. I’m afraid of not being able to reach the vision I have of myself. And so instead of attempting to put one foot in front of the other to get there, I don’t try at all. 

I’ve gotten this weird idea, that everything I do has to have importance and seriousness behind it now. The second half of your twenties is when you have to have it all figured out. I should solely make permanent and good choices. Don’t come for me, I know it’s not true. I realize it’s so common to feel this way and for some reason I really thought I’d be exempt from it. 

But I think there’s more to it than simply fear of failure. It feels like I haven’t allowed myself to experience the personal development I needed since my 24th year. 

It’s a new sensation for me, I’ve always loved getting older. I could really see my growth with each passing year when I’d reflect back on it. I think the discrepancy came when I wasn’t growing as I thought I should. And so the image I had of myself in my head became vastly different from who I was. I wasn’t the writer I thought I’d be by 26. I hadn’t done the big creative projects I wanted to do and I didn’t spend as much time in nature as I thought I would. 

Now, I do have good ‘reasons’ for not meeting my own expectations, but in the end they’re still excuses. 

A little disclaimer before we continue, the expectations I mention aren’t some unattainable goals I set for myself. I’m very well aware that life works in mysterious ways and that development and growth aren’t linear. I don’t mind that. These are expectations I’m already fully capable of and solely depend on whether or not I make time for them in my day. 

Last year there were other priorities and new aspects in life that I wanted to give my attention to. To be able to spend enough time and energy on those, I had to take some away from other things. And by not prioritising my personal development, I created a detachment between my mind and body. Now I pay the difference. My physical health and mental development haven’t been priorities this year and it shows up as a disconnect between the two. 

It’s like I’m walking somewhere and after an hour I realize I dropped something at the start. If I can go on without it or get a new one somewhere along the way, I’d go on. But this is significant enough to go back and get it. And so I turn around. 

I’m well aware that not everything can always be a priority. Things change and shift in life and that includes the things we prioritize. Years like this will pass and it won’t be the last time I look back on a year and realize I’ve dropped things. 

I trust myself enough to catch it in time, though. To go on when I can, but to go back when I must. 

Because after a while of walking, a feeling will show up that something is missing, asking (read: demanding) to be felt. And I hope to always be in tune enough with myself to allow that feeling to be present and to listen.