Is family always this tough?
We are lucky enough to go on family holidays about twice a year. Not with the entire extended family, but my grandparents and the families of their two children, my mom and my uncle. Together we all go on a little getaway together.
These family holidays are mostly fun, but on some nights I go to bed with a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Whenever I haven’t seen them in a while, I feel some kind of longing. I want to see and talk to them. They aren’t necessarily people I’d be friends with if I met them, but they hold a special place in my heart. I’ve known them for so long.
When life inevitably gets in the way and I feel out of touch with them, I really want to know how they are. What is occupying their minds, what they spend their time doing.
Some of them I love as people more than others, but all of them I respect as humans.
I’m 26 now, so all the adults have seen me grow up. I understand them more now than I did before. When they say certain things in a certain way. I understand where their opinions come from and why they are the way they are.
But for as long as I can remember, during every holiday at least one night disrupts the carefree vacation spirit. Some people say it’s a family trait of ours, discussions aren’t a rare occurrence at the dinner table. And some participants show no compassion or empathy once they have an opinion to defend.
It makes me so sad, so anxious to see the sun set and know that dinner is getting closer. To linger around the dinner table afterwards and drink coffee. That’s the time the conversation usually enters dangerous waters. All is well until someone mentions some concept or opinion that sets someone else off. Usually it’s the old vs. the young.
It’s not that I can’t defend my point, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be around people who lose all civility when they think they’re right.
Everyone has a different opinion. I accept that. But if someone blatantly disregards human rights or compassion for others in their opinion, I can’t respect it. Because if I do, I disrespect the marginalized or oppressed groups they dismiss. And I feel more duty towards them than to my family just because they’re blood. If I had to make a choice, I’d choose compassion. I wish compassion and my family where one and the same choice.
It’s so sad, I would love a loving and warm family. Where everyone shows curiosity and vulnerability. Where you can trust people to think about others as well as themselves. To not lose their composure just because someone else doesn’t agree with you. To be in charge of their emotions and not lash out.
I’m not sure if that's possible, though. Maybe all families have some sort of tension between them. Maybe it’s normal for different generations within a family to not see eye-to-eye. But is it supposed to be this way? To feel so unsafe in conversation with them. Am I supposed to be afraid to show vulnerability because I don’t know whether or not I have to defend myself?
